OUTSHINING THE SHADOWS (photo) & THE LONELY ROMANCE (free verse dream poem) by Roswila

THE LONELY ROMANCE

I'll probably remember this series of dreams
as my personal Chippendales review:
as in my waking life, their act's an
awfully tame one on the surface
(little flesh revealed) but hugely
disruptive inside where I live
and try to go on breathing

tonight's dancer? that too familiar guy
who's always at the top of the bill;
no matter another male takes
center stage, he's the one
outshining the shadows

for his center stage act tonight he's just his
same self, nothing odd or unexpected,
in fact, way too normal, for I could
wish for a wild, out of the blue
dream experience of him,
but negatory

he simply helps me in some way and I am at
ease with this; but it's never been ease
I've had with or wanted from him,
and therein might lie the heart
of our disconnect: peace
(salted with sex) being
his requisite

and I need the entire ride I've never had with
anyone: the courtship -- that roller coaster
ride of falling in love (salted with
sex), and what man at this end
of life cares to deal with
that old story

so he goes on helping me, teaching in some
way, and I go on accepting it all, sadly
grateful for even this much of his
presence and attention: it's a
lonely romance I live with,
one sided but all too real


[free verse poem on a dream of 12-8-17. In case it's not been obvious, I've been dreaming about men regularly recently. And, though I may not have indicated this in my comments to the dream poems, they all have been in major ways about men in my life now (sometimes, a composite figure with men out of my past). It occurs to me that this situation is a sort of classic one, expressed in many a Harlequin/Silhouette romance book. I will only speak for myself in addressing my particular need for courtship. That goes way back to childhood (and well on into adulthood) traumas at the hands of men and would require me to write a novella to explain it. I've probably said this here before: let me stress I've done a great of healing and forgiving, and even coming to compassion for the perpetrators (and myself: shame and guilt are the remains of those days). But those experiences formed me, and have left scars and hesitations. Oh, I am also learning a great deal from the actual guy represented in this dream; rather, as I deal with my reactions to him. There are even times I'm grateful for all of the difficulty. As when the advent of serious arthritic pain helped me finally lose weight and keep it off (from 356 lbs at my heaviest to, well, never you mind, suffice it to say it's tons less now). Pain and struggle do have their unexpected and even welcome results sometimes. Photo "Outshining the Shadows" (12-6-17 005v5b) by Roswila]

PLEASE NOTE: in most browsers you can click on the above image for a larger version. Also, the photo accompanying a post is not necessarily meant to illustrate it, but to reflect some small, even slant aspect of the verse, similar to Japanese haiga (illustrated haiku).

There are many other sorts of posts on this blog. I indicate which are about or influenced by dreams. Some non dream focused posts are book reviews, "regular" poems (some by other writers), scifaiku, writing exercises, Tarot haiku, photos, haiga, and so on. However, most of those are in much older posts. There's a listing by month going back to early 2006, at the end of the sidebar.

* * * *

until next time, keep dreaming,

[a/k/a Patricia Kelly]
**** If you wish to copy or use any of my writing or poems, please email me for permission (under “View my complete profile”). Roswila's other blog (dedicated to her photos only, i.e. no poetry or other writing; daily post); TRYING TO HOLD A BOX OF LIGHT.

AFTER THE LOSSES (photo) & STUFFING (free verse dream poem) by Roswila

STUFFING

... and now comes what I wish
were the coups de grace from him;
however, I know I'll not only go
on living, but developing the same
delusions and suffering the same
cutting releases

will I ever learn? ... well, wait a
minute, there's a difference between
learning something and accepting it:
I'm no dummy, never have been,
but accepting what's unbearable?
that is still beyond my ability

and not even his sweet, dark-haired
daughter's solicitous attention,
taking off my shoes and socks
for me so that I'll be comfortable,
can ease my panic that the loss
of another bright hope is surging
toward me like a tsunami

after all, my intensely fine-tuned
intuition tells me she's not so much
concerned for my physical ease,
as that I not disturb the ambiance
of their holiday gathering:
in other words, that I, at the very least,
fit in visually with these aging hippies

it's truly all about how things appear,
isn't it? what stuffs the insides to
bursting only matters when preparing
to cook turkeys, even with this
family of counter-culturals

and so I go on, pasting
on my good face for the world, while
a ravenous shadow rakes its hidden
inside to dark and bloody ribbons


[a mash up of a dream (of 12-6-17) and where it took me as I wrote about it. Photo "After the Losses" (11-26-17 005v2e) by Roswila]

PLEASE NOTE: in most browsers you can click on the above image for a larger version. Also, the photo accompanying a post is not necessarily meant to illustrate it, but to reflect some small, even slant aspect of the verse, similar to Japanese haiga (illustrated haiku).

There are many other sorts of posts on this blog. I indicate which are about or influenced by dreams. Some non dream focused posts are book reviews, "regular" poems (some by other writers), scifaiku, writing exercises, Tarot haiku, photos, haiga, and so on. However, most of those are in much older posts. There's a listing by month going back to early 2006, at the end of the sidebar.

* * * *

until next time, keep dreaming,

[a/k/a Patricia Kelly]
**** If you wish to copy or use any of my writing or poems, please email me for permission (under “View my complete profile”). Roswila's other blog (dedicated to her photos only, i.e. no poetry or other writing; daily post); TRYING TO HOLD A BOX OF LIGHT.

UNDER A COLD MOON (photo) & WHAT LIES AHEAD (free verse dream poem) by Roswila

WHAT LIES AHEAD

everything about him screams
darkness: his eyes, his hair,
his way of hunching as he
speaks to me, creating
a shadow to conceal
his seductive intention

but he need not bother to bend
himself out of shape this way,
I see right through him,
straight up or not

even as I bear the (maybe not so)
secret weight of what I, too, want
that rounds my own aching shoulders:
I deeply desire that he pursue
his shadowy intent and seduce me

I yearn for him to bring me steadily along,
despite what I've always known lies ahead:
that like ill-fated Shakespearean lovers
to be with him ultimately would be
no less painful than this being
without him


[free verse poem on a dream of 12-5-17. Photo "Under a Cold Moon" (12-6-17 005v5a) by Roswila]

PLEASE NOTE: in most browsers you can click on the above image for a larger version. Also, the photo accompanying a post is not necessarily meant to illustrate it, but to reflect some small, even slant aspect of the verse, similar to Japanese haiga (illustrated haiku).

There are many other sorts of posts on this blog. I indicate which are about or influenced by dreams. Some non dream focused posts are book reviews, "regular" poems (some by other writers), scifaiku, writing exercises, Tarot haiku, photos, haiga, and so on. However, most of those are in much older posts. There's a listing by month going back to early 2006, at the end of the sidebar.

* * * *

until next time, keep dreaming,

[a/k/a Patricia Kelly]
**** If you wish to copy or use any of my writing or poems, please email me for permission (under “View my complete profile”). Roswila's other blog (dedicated to her photos only, i.e. no poetry or other writing; daily post); TRYING TO HOLD A BOX OF LIGHT.

BETWEEN DARKNESS & THE LIGHT (photo) & SELFIE TALK (free verse poem response to a dream) by Roswila

SELFIE TALK

oh, no, Patricia!! you're not going back to living
with him, are you? ... actually giving up this fight
we've been in to find someone more suiting, hell,
more healthfully exciting, more caring (for suiting
can be adjusted, taken in or let out, but not
the rest) ... and, call a spade a spade, have you
let go of finding a man who truly desires you,
not just any woman who still happens
to be breathing?

is this what a life time of loneliness and frustration
is doing to you and me? deeply drying the (already
aged) fruit on the vine, or at best souring it to any
hopefulness that things might be
different with some other man?

yes, I'll agree, Patricia, there's the rub: not a pair's
been strapped on in our vicinity in longer than either
of us would care to admit to, at least not so's we two
(admittedly somewhat dense) women could recognize
and respond to as a male blighter's rise of true interest
and not just some sham, some thoughtless pity
or teasing tossed our way

all I can offer is that old saw about "Those who don't
remember the past are doomed to repeat it..." (do not
forget what going back to him is like!) ... instead
of his abuse (and there's no other word for it) wouldn't
you rather this ongoing loneliness and frustration,
occasionally lifted out of the pits by a bit of brilliant
(if ultimately burning out) hope that a caring,
sexy man has landed in our life at long last?


[free verse poem on a dream of 12-2-17. The dream was simple: I was in the process of moving back in with a former actual lover. (We'd never lived together, but given the influence I allowed him we might as well have been.) And that was all there was to the dream. This poem is my waking response to the dream. BTW, that former guy was never physically abusive, but he was extensively manipulative and deeply undermining. Photo

PLEASE NOTE: in most browsers you can click on the above image for a larger version. Also, the photo accompanying a post is not necessarily meant to illustrate it, but to reflect some small, even slant aspect of the verse, similar to Japanese haiga (illustrated haiku).

There are many other sorts of posts on this blog. I indicate which are about or influenced by dreams. Some non dream focused posts are book reviews, "regular" poems (some by other writers), scifaiku, writing exercises, Tarot haiku, photos, haiga, and so on. However, most of those are in much older posts. There's a listing by month going back to early 2006, at the end of the sidebar.

* * * *

until next time, keep dreaming,

[a/k/a Patricia Kelly]
**** If you wish to copy or use any of my writing or poems, please email me for permission (under “View my complete profile”). Roswila's other blog (dedicated to her photos only, i.e. no poetry or other writing; daily post); TRYING TO HOLD A BOX OF LIGHT.

HATCH ONTO SHADOW (photomorph) & WHAT A TRIP WE'RE ON (free verse dream poem) by Roswila

WHAT A TRIP WE'RE ON

it's clear to me you're not
who you appear to be --
seriously, I do mean to say,
physically.not.this.man

but I adjust to this inner/outer
contradiction as you do radiate
that self I so love from inside this
other man's face and bear-like body,
and you give me your usual fatherly
advice that I (also as usual) silently
reject, letting it fall through my mind,
melting on the way like a snow flurry
on a warm fall day

I also do not want to hear any
more about your wife; after all,
I've just had to listen to the details
of a different dear friend's most recent
love affair, getting my nose rubbed
in my terrible aloneness, there, also

truth is truth, and denial has its
awful consequences, but does
taking the truth straight up have
to be like having salt ground,
over and over, into the never
healing wound of my loneliness

I suddenly decide to kill you (that
would certainly shut you up) and as
you go on offering more, well-meaning
advice, I visualize opening the nearest
hatch onto vacuum that I can find in this
awkward old 1950's style space ship
we're all packed into

but, no, I'm not planning to shove
you through it: I'm going to float out
of it myself, and wait there for you to pass
by the open hatch (you always do manage
to pass me by) and like a sniper,
blow you away from the safety
of endless dark and emptiness


[free verse poem on a dream of 12-3-17. Photomorph "Hatch Onto Shadow" (1-13-10 18976ev3) by Roswila]

PLEASE NOTE: in most browsers you can click on the above image for a larger version. Also, the photo accompanying a post is not necessarily meant to illustrate it, but to reflect some small, even slant aspect of the verse, similar to Japanese haiga (illustrated haiku).

There are many other sorts of posts on this blog. I indicate which are about or influenced by dreams. Some non dream focused posts are book reviews, "regular" poems (some by other writers), scifaiku, writing exercises, Tarot haiku, photos, haiga, and so on. However, most of those are in much older posts. There's a listing by month going back to early 2006, at the end of the sidebar.

* * * *

until next time, keep dreaming,





[a/k/a Patricia Kelly]
**** If you wish to copy or use any of my writing or poems, please email me for permission (under “View my complete profile”). Roswila's other blog (dedicated to her photos only, i.e. no poetry or other writing; daily post); TRYING TO HOLD A BOX OF LIGHT.

TREE OF LIFE (photo) & BACKLIGHTING: Two Perspectives (non-dream free verse poem) by Roswila

BACKLIGHTING:
Two perspectives

One --

the way you look as I stand before you
with the sun at my back, I'm sure you're
seeing right through me, as if I were a late
fall leaf whose every vein and strut stands
out clearly in the bright backlighting,
my private avenues of nourishment
and support exposed to the deep perusal
you unwittingly acknowledge with a flash
of wonderment on your much loved
but often unreadable face


Two --

backlit by the sun, a late autumn leaf trembles
under the touch of a light breeze
like a golden flag,
each vein and strut exposed,
the highways and byways of its nourishment
and support standing out clearly:
a drying life suspended like an awkward angel
about to crumble into the Greater Light,
its work almost over


[non-dream free verse poem written 12-2-17. This autumn leaf transfixed me on a recent walk into Isla Vista. My first urge was to take a photo, but that backlighting sun was way too strong for my poor tech skills. However, I so enjoyed looking at it, I kept standing there and then -- voila! -- the first stanza of this poem enticed me. By the time I'd reached Anisqoyo Park and sat down to work on my notes, the second stanza was beginning to peek out of the memory of all that bright backlight. BTW, these two stanzas reflect two different ways to focus a poem. As in the first stanza, my tendency is to follow it inward, into my overtly personal life. But there's also focusing a poem on the external world, which is one of the reasons I like writing haiku. That form helps me to be more aware of what's happening in the physical world and far less on the specifics of my emotional life. Of course, it's impossible (IMHO) to completely take one's inner self out of a poem. But the exercise of trying to do so produces a very different sort of focus and, therefore, writing. As illustrated by the second stanza. Photo "Tree of Life" (12-2-17 004) by Roswila]

PLEASE NOTE: in most browsers you can click on the above image for a larger version. Also, the photo accompanying a post is not necessarily meant to illustrate it, but to reflect some small, even slant aspect of the verse, similar to Japanese haiga (illustrated haiku).

There are many other sorts of posts on this blog. I indicate which are about or influenced by dreams. Some non dream focused posts are book reviews, "regular" poems (some by other writers), scifaiku, writing exercises, Tarot haiku, photos, haiga, and so on. However, most of those are in much older posts. There's a listing by month going back to early 2006, at the end of the sidebar.

* * * *

until next time, keep dreaming,

[a/k/a Patricia Kelly]
**** If you wish to copy or use any of my writing or poems, please email me for permission (under “View my complete profile”). Roswila's other blog (dedicated to her photos only, i.e. no poetry or other writing; daily post); TRYING TO HOLD A BOX OF LIGHT.

FALL NIGHT (photo) & A NIGHT OF STURM UND DRANG (dream narrative) by Roswila

A NIGHT OF STURM UND DRANG

somewhere in the middle of all this sturm
und drang, I lost all the men who also
schlepped through the night ...

first, a woman friend arrives at my door
without having called ahead first; as I adjust
to this, I notice she's got her cat with her
and that she's deliberately agitating it;
my sympathy goes out to the cat and I
extend my hand carefully to see if it will
accept a soothing stroking, while I give her
a questioning, stern look; then I see brilliant
rainbows flashing from her earrings: somehow
she's gotten hold of my old multi-gem stoned
pair and is strutting them as if they're her own
and playing dumb when I object

next, a woman I do not get along with at all
and I are in some sort of snafu: I work
patiently (almost literally biting my tongue
to keep from telling her off) to get it clear
between us, even writing it down again
and again in a lengthy, organized list to try
to make sense to her; then it hits me she's not
interested in sense at all, only in being a pain
in the ass, in getting even with me (and just
about everyone else) for ill treatment she'd
suffered in the past at the hands of others

last, I'm with my dearest friend whose
hearing is more than a bit problematic: I write
it all down to supplement our lengthy verbal
communication, but find hope fading rapidly
that anything is getting through, and I even
begin to wonder if I'm hearing accurately
myself, if my own ability to comprehend is
thoroughly fucked up by all this intense,
anxiety provoking disconnection ...

and then there's all the men I've lost
along the way ... the hell "lost,"
just as in waking life,
"never even had"


[free verse poem on a dream of 11-30-17. Talk about shadow work! And I do see aspects of myself in these three women that make me squirm. I find it the hardest to take in that I may still be playing the "get even" game. I also find it interesting that the over-riding issue with all three is difficult communication. Since if there is one over-riding problem between me and men (those creatures that faded out of my dream recall on waking, though I know they were around) it's also communication. At least at the end of this dream I'm beginning to take some responsibility for my own "fucked up" "hearing." Photo "Fall Night" (12-2-17 002v3) by Roswila]

PLEASE NOTE: in most browsers you can click on the above image for a larger version. Also, the photo accompanying a post is not necessarily meant to illustrate it, but to reflect some small, even slant aspect of the verse, similar to Japanese haiga (illustrated haiku).

There are many other sorts of posts on this blog. I indicate which are about or influenced by dreams. Some non dream focused posts are book reviews, "regular" poems (some by other writers), scifaiku, writing exercises, Tarot haiku, photos, haiga, and so on. However, most of those are in much older posts. There's a listing by month going back to early 2006, at the end of the sidebar.

* * * *

until next time, keep dreaming,

[a/k/a Patricia Kelly]
**** If you wish to copy or use any of my writing or poems, please email me for permission (under “View my complete profile”). Roswila's other blog (dedicated to her photos only, i.e. no poetry or other writing; daily post); TRYING TO HOLD A BOX OF LIGHT.