SENRYU: Response to One Deep Breath Prompt of 1-23-07
subway serenade:
in his shiny guitar
my tired face*
* Note of 1-26-07: After asking in a comment below for opinions on two different line orders for this 'ku and getting some very helpful responses, I've gone back to the original line order. (The previous order I posted here was: subway serenade//my tired face//in his shiny guitar.)
The prompt this week at One Deep Breath is about “Process/Craft.” (Please visit the site to read the full prompt and to enjoy others’ responses.)
I immediately thought of the various processes involved in earning a living (adding to my fixed income has been much on my mind) and the craft involved in any art (with two blogs and all the exposure to others' art, this too, is on my mind a great deal). This senryu is about an old memory, from before my retirement, that has both these inquiries nestled within it.
I would always groan when someone got on a subway car carrying a musical instrument not in a case, as I knew we were probably in for some very bad and loud music. Although I always sympathized with the need to earn some money, all I ever wanted to do when on those loud, dirty, crowded trains was wool gather, either in preparation for the work day or in recovery from it. This particular young man stood directly in front of me where I sat in all my grouchiness. Oy! I closed my eyes, but to my utter delight he was a skilled guitarist and had a sweet heart-filled singing voice. My Spanish is extremely rusty, so my understanding of his ballad was at a gut, emotional level. Then, when I opened my eyes, it was to my own face in his guitar's reflective finish.
[The guitar graphic above is of a Gibson Hummingbird Acoustic.]
* * * *
‘til next time, keep dreaming,
Roswila
[aka: Patricia Kelly]
****If you wish to copy or use any of my writing or poems, please email me for permission (under “View my complete profile”)****My other blog: ROSWILA’S TAROT GALLERY & JOURNAL.
Labels: senryu
posted by Roswila @ 11:55 AM
17 Comments:
Lovely story, lovely senryu! There have been times when I've really been entertained by busking musicians.
Roswila,
Life's moments continue to surprise us from time to time. Nicely painted!
rel
That is a lovely story and wonderful poem- thanks for sharing both!
Hi crafty green poet!
Me, too...entertained by busking musicians...but rarely in a subway car. Those on the platforms and in the walk tunnels between various train lines, oh, yes! In fact, it was an Andean group's flutist on a platform, that inspired me to take a "make your own and learn to play it" Shakuhachi class. And that started my wind instrument collecting mania.
:-D
Great story and poem! In Paris the musicians actually have to audition and get a license before they can perform on the metro or in the metro stations. Of course there's the occasional rogue musician, but even they are usually pretty good.
Hello paris parfait,
As I say to crafty green poet above, many of the muscians are pretty good, just not the ones who play in the actual cars of the trains. In fact, there has been a city program for years that musicians can try out for, and when accepted they are "given" choice subway and train station spots to play in.
Then there's one soprano who used (and may still) sing in Grand Central Station. A choice spot if there ever was one...great acoustics. Unfortunately the timbre and pitch of her voice was like chalk on a board to me. What a long walk that was every morning to get past her, and all folk stopping to listen and admire. Life in the Big City! :-)
Thanks for stopping by and commenting. I enjoyed the process of your crafting your poem here. :)
Great story! I read once that a good writer knows what to remember. Love your poem.
What a lovely Senryu to accompany that cool story.
Lovely post. I can see you sitting on the subway car and the people on it.
Loved the line: wool gather, either in preparation for the work day or in recovery from it".
That's my day as I travel to work.
thanks for a great story. loved the line about sitting there in all your grouchiness
the poem was wonderful on its own merit but the story behind it made it even more enjoyable...thanks for sharing both
Thanks, susanlavonne!
BTW, what do you (and anyone else) think about this: my initial draft had the lines in this order:
subway serenade:
in his shiny guitar
my tired face
I like the above "musically," the lines flow better. But the other order:
subway serenade:
my tired face in
his shiny guitar
ends on the image of his guitar, which I like more.
Any one have any thoughts?
subway serenade:
in his shiny guitar
my tired face
This is my favorite. It has more of a "punch" - surprise and "huh." element to it. The contrast of the beautiful music with the listener's mood is what really grabs me and calls me to check myself. I feel this contrast often with the exuberance of my sons and my own grouchy tiredness. You have captured a wonderful story in one breath!
Thanks, cloudscome! Your comment has helped me decide to go back to the original line order (the one you like). :-) I really appreciate your visit and comment.
I like the original line order as well, the closing image of your face is unexpected and changes the tone of the poem in a lovely way.
Thanks for stopping my blog and commenting on my haiku, gave me even more new things to think about!
'lo pumpkin doodle!
Thanks for your comment in support of the original version of this ku.
BTW, I don't think I've said this on your blog, but I love the photo in your title bar. All those sweet faces! :-)
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